3 Core Misunderstandings the Unfaithful Have That Block Relational Recover

Hi everybody and welcome back to Ask the Unfaithful. As always, we are overjoyed to be with you today. I’m Sam and I’m here with my co-host and great friend and colleague and brilliant resident genius James Anir. Now, today we’re talking about three core misunderstandings that block the unfaithful partner’s recovery. It’s going to be a thrilling episode. So, James, unpack the truth behind these three core misunderstandings that block our recovery.

Let’s start with a particular truth. That is your betrayed pain is not a verdict on your progress. It is evidence of trauma. I think that’s probably nothing new for people listening, but I think it’s a way of saying it that we tend to — I think as unfaithfuls — judge our progress by how much pain our betrayeds are in. And it just is not a good way to judge that progress because their pain can be really strong at any given time because trauma recovery isn’t linear. So that’s not indicative of not doing the work that we need to do. Obviously, it’s an indicator that there’s something more that we need to attend to. But I think to say that that is the one measure is a mistake because it can drive us backwards or into stasis, if you will.

I think that concept that your partner’s pain is not a verdict on your progress is one of the most important ones that we as unfaithfuls can get because if we are looking at our partner’s pain as a measure of our progress, we’re focused on us again and now we’re emotionally unsafe again. That’s how recovering couples can end up stuck in defensiveness, frenetic, hyper anxiety-driven urgency, avoidance, resentment, shutting down emotionally, I’m done talking about it, right? Even giving up on hope. We don’t want that. And what we’re going to do is look at these three misunderstandings that can really disrupt progress. And with each one, we’re going to talk about one, what it sounds like in the unfaithful’s head, so you can identify it as an unfaithful, and also when we say it out loud to our betrayeds. Two, what the unfaithful is actually feeling. What’s really going on for them underneath these thoughts or what they’re saying? Also, what’s actually going on for your betrayed partner while this is happening? So that you can see that perspective and then a couple of really helpful things. What to do instead and a tool so you can practice it in real time.

And we’re big on tools because man, if we had tools 20 some odd years ago like this, we would have at least made conservatively 40% less of the mistakes. We were still idiots, so we’d have still made a lot of mistakes. And obviously there’s a lot of people that we know that would anchor that truth. But the reality is, man, these are tools that you can unpack in your life right now.

So, misunderstanding number one, I’m going to read it and let you just unpack it. Misunderstanding number one, if I’m changing, my betrayed should feel better.

Yeah. This is when we unfaithfuls think that betrayal trauma recovery is behaviorally based, like earning points rather than emotionally based. What it sounds like in our heads when we think it is, but I’ve been honest. I’m doing therapy. I’m doing coaching. I’m answering my betrayed’s questions. I’m being consistent. All the things that I’m supposed to be doing. Sometimes when we say it out loud to our partner, it’s going to come out and come off as defensive posturing. Like, well, I’m doing everything you asked. I’ve been consistent for months. I’m not the same person anymore. We need to look forward, not in the rearview mirror.

Gosh, you say it with such passion. It just sounds like that just was a part of you that was really alive at one time. So maybe unpack what’s really happening though under the surface.

So this misunderstanding is driven by shame, anxiety sometimes to the point of panic and fear of failure. When our partner, our betrayed, gets triggered or collapses emotionally, we can tend to feel this surge of discouragement, of panic, of anger, of helplessness. Why isn’t this working? Of pressuring ourselves, although we may say, “Oh, this is so much pressure coming at me,” but it’s really self-pressure to produce healing for our betrayeds. And then we have also this urgent need to control the outcome. We might have an inner dialogue that sounds something like this. I can’t handle this. I feel like I’m drowning. I need them to stop hurting so I can feel okay.

Most unfaithful partners don’t realize this really key point. You’re not reacting to your partner’s pain. You’re reacting to what you believe their pain implies about you. Because we’re so given as unfaithful, male or female, to fix it. We just need this to get better. So, this is an indictment upon me. We take everything so personally and we make the colossal mistake that every betrayed will say at one time or another that we’re making it about us. Can you unpack what the betrayed partner is actually experiencing?

So, one thing they’re not doing is measuring your progress. Their nervous system is actually responding to trauma. So when we’re defensive or unavailable, avoiding or negatively reactive, this is going to trigger a trauma reaction in the betrayed, intrusive thoughts, hypervigilance, trigger flooding, body memory, scanning for danger. So their inner dialogue might sound like, “My brain just can’t relax. I don’t know what’s real. I don’t trust myself. I’m terrified it will happen again. And I want to believe you, but my brain keeps saying, don’t do it.”

Remember, I think this is really important. Your betrayed isn’t choosing to feel unsafe. Their nervous system is scanning for danger because the original betrayal was and is danger. And now that’s actually broadened through a process called brain patterning that we’ll talk about in another podcast to include so much more that doesn’t even seem logically to be threatening.

So I want to just say this, your progress doesn’t erase trauma. Consistency is going to rebuild safety in your betrayed nervous system, which then allows them to choose their healing, their path for healing, and choosing to engage in it. As long as they feel unsafe, they’re not able to do that because when they feel unsafe, their trauma rules the day.

And I think those are great points and here’s some things that we can do instead. The goal is not to make them feel better. The goal is to become emotionally safe while they are hurting. So maybe try this instead of I’m trying. Why isn’t this working? Or I’ve been doing everything right. Why are you still like this? Instead, it might be helpful to say, you know, I see that you’re flooding or your trauma is activated. That makes total sense. Why would you not be? I’m here and I’m staying. You don’t have to be okay for me to be okay. You don’t have to be okay for me to be present.

That would be helpful to say, right? Yeah. Much more helpful than the first part. Yes. Absolutely. Really, we have to kind of temper ourselves — calm ourselves, put ourselves into a regulated place to be able to respond like that. We can actually interestingly look at that reaction of wanting to say, “I’m trying. Why isn’t this working?” And go, “Oh, that’s really emotionally charged.” Because of that reflection. Now I know that I really need to calm myself and come at this from that emotionally connected and empathetic place. It’s wonderful.

Now, we’re going to talk about misunderstanding number two. If I explain why it happened, it should resolve the pain and we’re good. So unpack why do we say that and do that.

Man, we say that when we confuse understanding with repair, it’s when we want insight alone to be the antidote. Partly because that’s easy for us to stop there. I won’t say gaining insight is easy, but it’s such a big thing sometimes that when we have the insight, we think, “Oh, that’s it. Okay.” But we make the mistake of thinking the goal is to understand and explain it so well that the pain disappears. And then we’re confused when our betrayeds keep asking these questions, even the same questions. We’re returning to the same pain points. So that might sound in our minds like, “But I’ve already explained it. Will he ever forgive me? But I understand it now. Why can’t she see that? I just can’t win. I’ve said I’m sorry. What more do they want?” That thinking is indicative of this misunderstanding.

So sometimes if we say that out loud to our partner, it could sound obviously very defensive. I’ve already told you why. I’ve apologized a thousand times. We’re stuck in the past. I’ve done insight work. Isn’t that enough?

But what’s really happening for us unfaithfuls under the surface is we often believe that if there’s understanding that’s going to equate to healing. And boy, it would be nice if that was the case. But betrayal trauma doesn’t heal through insight or understanding alone. Betrayed partners need safety. We’ve beat that horse and we will continue to beat it. They also need empathy because without empathy, the betrayed doesn’t feel safe. They don’t feel like we get it. They also need accountability. They need accountability that we welcome into our lives that we don’t begrudgingly subscribe to. And they need consistency over time. Because as you say quite often off camera, here’s a real kick in the head. Explanation can actually become a form of emotional distancing when the partner is still hurting.

How often do we use our intellect or understanding to push away from the emotional situation? But it’s really important to understand what our betrayeds are really experiencing in this when they return even repeatedly to the why. They’re not just seeking information, even if it sounds like it. Was I ever real to you? Why did you do it? What looks like bringing it up again and again and again is actually often a survival alarm. It’s a nervous system flashback. What they’re really asking is, do you get it in your heart how much this has harmed me? Can I trust you with my heart now or will you minimize me again? Will you become unsafe when you feel shame? Could you hurt me again? Are you going to be safe for me when this gets uncomfortable?

So when we as unfaithfuls try to logic our betrayed out of their trauma, it can feel to them like minimization, emotional bypass, which is really important, and shutting down the connection that both of us really need to heal. And what we can try instead, and this is where the rubber meets the road, is we can shift from explaining the behavior to staying present with the impact of the destruction that we have brought into our life and our betrayed’s life. The work is not to convince, but the work is to attune.

And attunement is when I’m connected with your world. I’m in touch with what’s going on in your world. I’m not afraid to think about what you’re experiencing. It might even be small at first. Heartfelt attunement is felt by your betrayed as more than any intellectual understanding. Emotional impacts must be met with emotionally based caring. If the betrayed is going to heal, we can try this. Instead of I already told you, which we’re really good at unfortunately, we can use I know we’ve talked about this before, but I want to understand what’s still hurting or maybe what’s unclear. I did this to you and I want to be present for you. What feels the most terrifying right now? What feels the most upsetting?

You call this microtools, which are impact statements, right? Yeah. And I think that something that you said earlier really bears emphasizing and that is look if our partners are expressing something emotional we have to meet them from emotion because anything else — if we meet from thinking, those don’t jive. So when we actually meet emotions with emotions or emotional understanding which is empathy, then our partners can really have a felt sense that they are being heard, that they are being accepted, that what’s going on for them is being actually understood on that heart level because that’s where their pain is. So I think that’s really, really important to remember. Emotion is met with emotion, not thinking.

The micro tool, the impact statements. This is really foundational in couples repair work. The impact of what I did is blank. If I were you, I would feel blank. It makes sense that you feel blank. And I’m willing to repair by doing blank. Even if we’re practicing that and saying that in our own space alone, what it does is it gives us a much more empathetic understanding of what is really going on for our partners emotionally. Basically, for this misunderstanding, remember the goal is to become the kind of partner who can stay emotionally safe inside the pain.

I read this the other day. I did a reel on it not too long ago, but I read this and I can’t remember where, but it said, “If you’re a betrayed, say this to your unfaithful.” And this is a doozy, so everybody take a deep breath. It said for the betrayed to say, “Can you, unfaithful, describe how my life has changed due to your choices?” Can you do that? What would be your answer? Unfaithful. If the betrayed said to you — and all the unfaithfuls are like, “Sam, this is not what I wanted.” All the betrayeds are like, “Whoa, let me write this down because that’s coming very soon.” But could you describe how the betrayed’s life has changed due to your choices? It would be an excellent exercise to do sometime very soon.

Now, misunderstanding number three. If they bring it up, they’re choosing to punish me yet again.

This is most often about the unfaithful shame and their self-protection. We’re going to get a little bit deep into this about how the unfaithful can be triggered into their own shame spiral by something that the betrayed say. It certainly doesn’t land any blame or responsibility on the betrayed. Actually, the lesson is how can we anticipate that we might be triggered into our own shame spiral and how that’s going to impact the betrayal. Excellent.

Unfortunately, when we say something like, “Oh, they’re punishing me,” it actually doubles down on the betrayed’s trauma. Why? Because it creates another major rupture because it frames our betrayed’s trauma as an attack. You don’t know how many clients I’ve had saying, “Oh, it’s like I’m being punched again and again and again.” Well, it can feel that way, but really that thinking should signify to you, “Whoa, something’s off with my thinking here.” And if I frame it that way, now I’ve created another rupture because I’m not being attacked. It’s an emotional expression. It’s not punishment. It’s actually pain seeking reassurance.

The way that might sound for unfaithfuls to be able to recognize it when they’re hearing it in their own head. Well, we had a good day and now they ruined it. They’re holding this over my head so they can control me forever. They just want to make me feel guilty. I’ll never be forgiven. If any of those things are going through your head, this is the misunderstanding that’s activated. It can sound like if you actually say it out loud to your partner, you’re throwing it in my face. You just want to make me feel guilty. You’re ruining every good moment that we have.

What’s happening for the unfaithful under the surface is this. This misunderstanding is typically driven by shame activation and what we call an unconscious threat response, not logic. When the betrayed partner is triggered, the unfaithful’s nervous system often interprets that pain as accusation or judgment, even rejection or proof of personal failure. This then activates this trigger loop in the unfaithful, believe it or not, where the body moves into protection mode. And at that point, we unfaithfuls are not responding to the present moment. We’re reacting to shame, fear, and even a feeling of helplessness.

This means we have to learn about our own trigger resolution and shame reduction which is paramount because unfortunately this itself is felt as danger by the betrayed. So what is the betrayed partner experiencing in that moment?

I think bear in mind triggers aren’t choices, they’re trauma echoes. So that’s for the betrayed but also what you were just talking about. I mean a lot of the shame triggers can come from much earlier in our lives. So we have to become aware of those. The fact that those reactions that we can have are going to be felt as a threat by the betrayed doesn’t obiate the fact that we’re actually feeling those things. We just have to bear in mind that as we’re feeling them when we react — and it’ll show up first in our body. So it could be a defensive body posture, a closing of the arms, etc. — that’s going to be felt also as a threat by our partner.

What’s happening is they’re actually responding to cues that their nervous system, not what they’re thinking, associates with danger. So those cues that are coming from us in terms of body language, in terms of what we’re saying or what our face is expressing is actually a cue for their survival or threat response system. They’re not actually thinking, “Let me punish them.” They’re actually feeling and thinking something reminded me of betrayal or of this circumstance. I feel unsafe again. My body is panicking. I don’t know how to calm this down. These moments mean the betrayed’s body, meaning their nervous system, is asking a single question. Are you safe?

Now, here’s some things you can do instead. The unfaithful partner’s core growth edge here is what we talk about somewhat frequently, which is distress tolerance. This is where recovery becomes very, very real. Most unfaithful partners aren’t just recovering from their infidelity behaviors. We’re also recovering from a shame-based identity. We’re trying to heal from avoidance, emotional immaturity — wof, we can talk about that for a while — compartmentalization which we became experts at, and poor distress tolerance.

This is evidenced by when we collapse into shame, avoidance, defensiveness, self-pity, anger. So when our betrayed partner hurts, it triggers our internal crisis which looks like I’m bad. I can’t handle this. I have to fix it. I need this to stop. And so your betrayed partner’s nervous system registers again that you are not safe and their trauma response then intensifies.

But the work — and this is really tough for us — the work is not to stop the trigger. The work is to stay present and regulated during the trigger which is monstrously challenging but possible when we do the right work. Right. Absolutely it is. One way that we can do that is instead of are we seriously doing this again, use I hear that you’re scared. Thank you for telling me. I’m here. What do you need from me right now? Reassurance, answers, or comfort. You see how that actually gives our betrayed their agency back. We’re not taking control away from them by responding how we think they want us to. Remember, we stole their sense of control with our betrayal. Part of their healing requires us staying present without controlling the outcome. That’s emotional sobriety.

So, we got a bonus today. You talked about this earlier. Let’s unpack the bonus.

Okay. A hard truth for the unfaithful partner is that you can’t heal what you won’t allow yourself to feel. If we unfaithfuls stay trapped in I’m awful — that’s a shame spiral. I’m done with this — that’s avoidance. I don’t want to talk about it — that’s control. Then we stay emotionally unsafe. And that’s actually emotionally unsafe for our partner, but also emotionally unsafe for ourselves. And in a previous podcast, we talked about trusting ourselves. And that was a way to create self-trust, a way to create safety within ourselves. So remember that you don’t need to be perfect. You need to be present. And that is not just for your betrayed. Again, that’s for you.

Absolutely. I love your bonuses. We have a second bonus today. And the unfaithful should make this a consistent part of how you respond to your partner’s pain. So, you talk about a three-part safety response. What does that look like?

When our partners are triggered, we’re going to practice this. One, validate. This makes sense. Two, anchor. I’m here. I’m not leaving. I’m with you. Three, offer choice. Do you want comfort, answers, or space with reassurance? So, that goes back to bonus one, right? Why it works? It restores agency to your betrayed and reduces their panic. Because panic is anxiety about not feeling like we’re in control. For anybody — for betrayeds — that’s almost all the time. So when we help them gain control or gain agency over what is happening right now, that’s going to reduce their panic, reduce their anxiety, and help bring them into a space where they can feel safer and perhaps even discuss what’s happening. And if we can stay in a discussion, everything gets easier for both parties.

So here’s a few final takeaways. And we will say it this way. If you remember nothing else, remember this. Betrayal trauma recovery is not linear. That’s also important in that your partner’s triggers do not mean that their recovery isn’t working or that your recovery isn’t working. They mean that recovery is happening in real time. So each time that your partner is triggered, this is an opportunity for you to help them heal. But we have to say your job isn’t to force healing faster. It’s actually to become that safe place while healing is happening — to be present, honest, consistent, and safe in discomfort.

Because the question the betrayed partner is asking underneath every trigger is not are you sorry. It’s are you safe now, even when this is hard? And when you can answer that truth with your presence and not just your words, that’s when trust slowly begins to return. Is that accurate in your opinion?

Yeah. Yeah. This isn’t a rush process. You can see leaps and bounds of improvement here and there, but for the most part, you’ve got to think of it as a very gradual repair, restoration, renewal for our partners. And honestly, our work is slower like that as well. Our behavioral work is very fast, meaning stopping the acting out and so on. But our other work is over the long term and it is possible. And we want to take just a couple of minutes to tell you — look, this work is possible if you will commit to the process.

Well I say it this way, when you find the right people you find the right process and the power is in the process. It’s not an overnight change. It’s not an overnight shift, but it can be a tectonic shift when you actually work the process. Right? In AA they say work the program. In healing from infidelity or even addiction, you have to work the process. And I think if you find the right people, you do find the right process. We work very hard to outline processes, if you will. Would you agree that the process is so vital? Everything. It’s everything. You know, we as — I think — a society love the quick fix, right? Yeah. Get rich quick. Fix that quickly. Do it now. And yet it’s the long term that is what is most important because that’s what is going to last. So the process is extremely important.

So, speaking of process, if those of you who are interested in intensives, either for individual or for you as a couple, James, you and Sharon have been doing intensives for God knows how long. I don’t want to make a joke of how old you are. Let’s just say you’re older. But for those that are watching and interested in an intensive, how do they find out more information?

You would want to email info at hopeforUs.com and Gail will get back to you with some information and from there you can set up a consultation with me and with Sharon. Wonderful. And I do coaching. If you’re interested in coaching you can email me at samshealing [email protected].

We have received several topic suggestions from many of you. Always open to that. Thank you so much for reaching out and please continue to do so. Don’t forget about Ask the Betrayed and don’t forget about my podcast. And as we say goodbye today, none of this is easy, but all of this is doable. But if you don’t commit to the process, Unfaithful, and you wonder why things are getting worse, not better, you have to re-evaluate the process to see if you are falling victim to any of these three misunderstandings. As long as you have breath in your lungs, you can change. As long as you have life in you, you can make this change. We promise you, if we can do it, you can do it. But it won’t happen unless you do the work. If we can help, reach out to us at [email protected]. And we’ll see you next time on Ask the Unfaithful.